If

If I died tomorrow and I went to heaven Id try to kill myself there and see what happened after that. I would feel so useless and so drained that my life was nothing and a waste that I couldnt bare to live and have to tell people the nothing that I have done. My greatest accomplishment is nothing, my biggest fear is loneliness. My biggest mistake is that Im not the person who would make me happy. Im scared Ill never get to where I want to be in life. Wont be loved or anything. Isnt that most peoples fears?

Hey un loving.

1. Single Hate it. Meh. eff that one.
   
2. In 10 years I want to be graduated from college. Have a Car. Be set on a road somewhere with my life. Have my goals falling into or already be in place. Own my business. But still be able to learn.
   
3. I don't really care about drugs and alcohol im quitting everything and the only thing I think Ill be able to let myself do would be drink but never heavily.
4. Religion helps people. I don't follow any, even though im Jewish but I don't practice. I also don't believe in God but I believe in Jesus and that everyone has an inner god? If you get that.
   
5. Yes. Yucky.9th grade how pathetic
   
6. I'm not gonna write 30 interesting facts.
7. My zodiac sign is Leo....I MUTHA FUCKING LOVE IT! and hell yea I love what lions stand for and they're so effing cute!
8. I was most satisfied when ever I make a goal and get it. But MOST satisfied im not sure yet I haven't been very happy with myself in a while but I don't show it ever. I internalize.
9. I hope my future goes as planned. Job, Save, License, Girlfriend?, College, Move, Business, WIN.
   
10. First love and first kiss...first kiss yucky...first love doesn't need to be put out there.
11. No ipod =\
12. My whole day i made dinner, haircut, hung out with cydney, skyped, tumblr, here.
13. California! France, Finland, London.
14. Something with Rachel probably. like going to sesame place or something.
15. Skip
16. Mainstream music is decent?
17. Highs? JOB. Lows? I don't know haha
18. I stated my beliefs when I said I was Jewish and god and yadda yadda.
19. I don't really do that.
20. Education is Key. Smart people are smart.
21. Not big on the TV
22. Fat fat fat.
23. Uhm lesbians, drug story, or a band movie.
24. People who wont give me the time of day. exactly for that reason.
    
25. All different kind of people I don't really have a type anymore.
26. Thinking that I suck.
27. AFI being better.
    

3am Blog!

So I found this thirty day challenge thing on tumblr and I'm just gonna do all the ones I want in one post because I'm not sure how long of answers I can give for each.

Your middle name, and how you feel about it!:
...Alexandra.....I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!! =DI think its a beautiful feminine name and I think it works well with my full name. When my moms mad at me which she hasn't called me this in forever, shes call me "Kady Alex" I love it sometimes I wish it was my first name.

Talk about your piercings or tattoos, if you have any.
I have 8 piercings, and one tattoo. Iv been getting piercings since I was little my last piercing was on my 18th birthday, my brother Jonathan paid for it. My lip was done when I was 16, my mom took me for that one. My tongue my dad doesn't know about baha. Then the rest of my piercings are my ears I have 3 in each and my first holes are gauged to a 10 right now but I plan on making them larger. When I was 17 4 days after my birthday I got my tattoo. Which is a beta fish on my ankle. I used to be really into beta fish and I would have 4 at a time it was kinda crazy....I still have 2 hahaha.

Write about your closest friends.:
My brother Jonathan.
Well there's Jen Iv known her since a week before kindergarten or so. Her girlfriend and little sister also cool.
Cydney Ive been close with since 6th grade she mah best friend from mast =]
Amanda I wrote a whole blog on. Samantha. Taylor. Sean at mah work! hes fun. I dont have much to say about them.

3 favorite colors: Red! cause when I was a baby my brother gave me a blanket and I named it red blankie and it was my favorite thing in the whole world and i still have it and yup. Its my brothers fault but I love red so its good =] then end red pwns all.
My favorite season is summer or fall or spring haha just no winter! fuck that shit.

Better Find it in me!

So! I'm working on reading the permit book! because I don't feel safe at night where i live and if I had a car and license I could just go and do and live from my car for the most part. Id also be able to get another job so i can save more so by this summer hopefully ill have my license. I can afford to buy a shitty car right now but I cant afford insurance.

I'm not sure if im going to do Christmas this year yet or not I mean I have the discount but I also need to get to college and buy things for school when that time comes but i get my discount at work and my parents and all get me things but I don't know yet like I just don't wanna spend my money. I almost have 2000 in the bank and once i get a decent amount over that im not gonna want my bank account to be under that. I'm really cautious with money, and i get that from my dad because he'd always tell me not to spend money if i don't need to. I also saw what happens and how stressed you get when you have no money, I don't want that to happen to me and i refuse to let it happen.

Wednesday I hung out with Samantha which was nice because I got a lot off my chest. So did she I believe, its just been way too long since I've had one on one time with some people and it makes me sad but every ones growing up and changing and growing apart and getting busy and even I am kinda?

Busy? Yea work only gives me a whopping 15 hours a week which is not enough hours to even live. They called me Wednesday when I was out so I couldn't go in. So I called today and went in from 5:30 to 10:30, and at work they asked if I could stay later Friday when I work so not tomorrow im working from 1pm to 10pm which is really nice. So this week I think im getting like 23 hours? Im just glad they let me work , maybe next week they'll call me for some more hours too then maybe my pay check will be 300 or more at least. I think they gave me today cause I bitched to one of the managers saying after the season if my hours don't stay up im gonna have to get a 2nd job. But really I will if my hours dont get good after Christmas.

I went to Uarts for the review, I think the lady was impressed that I had no art class before. I think I went about it wrong though i should of viewed the school first because she told me i didn't have enough still lives. But that's alright I know im good just I didn't have a lot of still lives because I was never put into an art class ever. I never learned about portfolios but if you look at my art im still pretty good. Well that is what people tell me I think im okay.

Since Ive worked at old navy my rooms turning shitty but like shitty to me is my clothes are messed up and im a little unorganized Which will be fixed maybe monday if I dont have work.

I have a list of goals and they better be done by the time I die! so lets study for that permit!

fiesta foreva

I got the Old Navy job. Need more hours but oh well...Uarts i need to call tomorrow maybe ill just stay up all night or something. So I found out this chick who i like isn't talking to me again because like I guessed it, she has a girlfriend. Im pretty much not good for anyone so far i mean something will eventually happen but like I just want someone to finally want me and not have me talk to them and them come up to me. y I always try and I want something good to happen and like a relationship. Not lets hook up and im gonna go date her, or lets hook up and false hope, or! just hook up and that's it or whatever. I want something to happen!

I'm not sure where i stand with things right now I like with people i like a couple people but im not sure what they want from me, i need people to be like flat out like hey lets date soon or lets do this. I don't know maybe i ask for too much but iv been single for 5 years and every year it bothers me worse.

HIM is a good band i stopped listening to them but i started again and my store plays Madonna la roux Justin bieber and the cure and that video kills the radio star song so its not too bad in there hah.


IM SO BORED.

I have off tomorrow and im gonna sit in my room all day and im not making plans with people anymore unless they want to and im free when they want to because im starting to feel like hanging out with me is a chore. fail.

Mer?

Tomorrow I HAVE to apply to college because if I don't get out of here all ill do is explode I cant handle doing nothing all the time. This is where all my weight came from. I'm on my second year out of school and I've done nothing and it really kills me when I think of all this wasted time. Right now im really a "waste of space" I'm not sure if I should call Old Navy and ask about my background check or keep waiting im just a big dumb dumb in these situations.

We went to get my dads work truck from Jersey today and when we got back my dad had to park the van out back. Its like the stereotypical "kid napping" vans..except its gray. So I got to drive my dads green car out front like I pulled it out he pulled in then got in the car with me and I went out front and her directed me to parallel park! First time I've ever done that I was impressed I did a good job too if I say so myself! Then I walked a mile cause my weights getting to me. I'm not fat! I know im not but I just want to be a bit more toned and nicer and a little lighter.

Written all over your face.

I want someone to put me on top of the world and let me stay there. I need my mind ripped from my being and locked away. I need to learn again, all over how to do everything. I want a new me and im going to get it eventually. I want things to go my way for once, I need something good to happen I need people on my side and support. Im going to get my parents to help me apply to Uarts tomorrow I gave my mom the $60 already and I need to do this I need to get somewhere with my life. Old Navy gave me an interview and they need to do a background check and then call me for orientation so im waiting on that. And well see what else is going to happen with things for now...

My mood was so high now its down low...But really like I thought only lesbians were the only ones who were all "OMG LETS GET MARRIED AFTER A DAY!!!!" nope straight people too. The only reason why I liked straight relationships. Oh well I guess.

Im going to stop trying with people also im sick of being the first person to text im or whatever. Im always trying for people always! and I get nothing back except the usual conversation like hey u nothing k....gr. Why do I gotta pry conversation.

People need people

Your body does and feels things that your eyes and mind have no idea about and are confused and it sucks. But everyone should know how and what makes them happy. Weather it be something extravagant or something simple and plain. People need people to survive. Imagine not being able to talk to someone for a week straight! How bored you would get (more then normally). How would you learn without someone caring about if you know about things or not. If you don't learn you wont be able to take care of yourself nor would you be able to provide for yourself. People need people.

But people also need a break from people. Imagine being stuck with someone in a closed space for a long period of time. No way would that work unless you had some time apart like a couple hours and such. That is how marriages work. You love someone but you dont stay glued together. You cant marry someone and spend every second together or you would get sick of the significant other. That is why normal people have jobs where you leave the house and then you both come home. Its healthy for you to leave for a decent amount of time or you will push each other away. Which is a reason why a lot of relationships fail. Woo for smartness in relationship info....even though I suck at relationships xD

And everyone needs music!!! rock rap country whatever its all good to someone.

Whats your favorite m&m color?!

I see a red door and I want to paint it black

I dont need to but I want too! I want to lose weight! I want to be healthier and happier with myself. Everyone says "oh you're not fat, you look fine" But I don't feel fine so I will lose weight...well try too. More fruits and veggies less shit and not eating before I go to bed. I also want to stay more active during the day so I might start cleaning up more around here cause its a mess.

My room was a mess when I was little (whos wasnt?!) now im older and everything else is a mess in this house but my room.

My dad told me when my grand mom was alive.... Uhm but my dad said that she made my mom clean up more and have things in order. My grand mom I miss a lot she doesnt know a lot about me as more of an adult like now that im grown up mostly and I know im gay and things like that she doesn't know and I wonder what shed think about it like if shed be okay with it. I think about that every time I talk about her. Like if it wasn't okay with her it would have been harder for my mom because she was my moms best friend like they had that mother daughter bond. I feel like its a lot of pressure and shes not even alive! like if she wasnt ok with gays my mom would of had a harder time accepting it and all that, so im just really curious how things would of turned out. Or she could totally be accepting and it would of been fun still being able to hang out with her because she didn't live far from me.

I've been listening to a lot of punk goes classic! its pretty good except some songs. But a lot of the punk goes whatever is usually good.

Dont Fear the Reaper

I always like the wrong people and then IM the one who ends up crying. EVERY single one of them always have said "I wont make you cry I promise" That's shit. I guess I need a stronger wall. The people who want to be in will climb it and others will let me slip away. I guess I shouldn't let it bother me but I cant help stupid emotions. They come and go and they don't stay like anyone stays anyway so big deal I guess. But im not afraid of it I refuse to be afraid of these people who think they're grown up and responsible, when in all reality no one is responsible. We'll see the winners in the end and then I will know. But until then I wont be worried im only nineteen and I have room to grow...hell everyone has room to grow if you don't have room and you're closed minded you might as well not be living at all I guess.

Love is a big word...and I've learned a lot but also, Hate is a strong word and the only people I think should be hated are Rapists, murderers (unless its in self defense) or anyone committing a serious crime of harmful manners. So love nor hate are appropriate words for people at a young age or early on in a relationship it gets you in deeper then needed.

Womp.

Some friends and myself are talking about moving to San Diego after colleges and such and I want to. Its all the way across the united states and away from everything that I know. I mean worst comes to worse if we crash and burn we crash together. Its a little close to Mexico like probably an hour drive from Mexico and a 4 hour drive to LA but it'll be nice and well have some great adventures there. And in all if it doesn't work out we can always come back to Philadelphia. So for me that will be in 5 years which is exciting I'm excited for adventures and I get really bad anxiety so hopefully maybe that will scare the anxiety out of me because its a big step.It'll be interesting to see where we will all be in 5 years with our lives.

I am applying to Uarts soon for either illustration or graphic design im not sure which yet but im working on it. Art is a lot of my life and I think its possible for anyone to become an artist, well everyone is an artist in their own way I believe. I just need to work on detail and get education in. Ive never had a formal art class other then elementary school which impresses a lot of people. I was accepted into Moore college of art and design and will go there unless Uarts is cheaper which I kind of hope Uarts is cheaper, but well see. I can't wait to learn I've been out of school for a year and will be more then a year when I go back and I can't wait to see how it goes. I have matured more and im willing to take school more seriously because now I'll be learning about something im interested in and not being forced to sit in a room because of society.

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